Archive for the ‘ student of life ’ Category

first time for everything

You may think its:




not worthy to blog about…

But hey, its mines!  So as of Monday morning at 24 hour Fitness, I did it!  After doing laps in the pool I took a shower topless with other women, no doors, no curtains, no hooks for hanging near the shower head.  No shame!  Liberating!

I’m sure you as a reader noted the *topless* part, yes I have yet to work on my bottoms, total nakedness not my forte even as a grown woman. I totally don’t mind seeing naked females ass’d out in the locker room, its just me, uuhmmm shhhiayy.  Mar always told me about how he’s showered with a buncha dudes being in the army, no bottoms included.  But hey, still something new for me.  Just another tally mark I make for myself as life continues to bring on the experiences.

Until tomorrow or whenever something new comes again…

Also I forbid myself from entering steam rooms, its like slow torture x desert game x a million.  No thanks.  Another first for me.

Good night



There are times in life that affect you in ways no words other than “numb” is like a glove as its description.   So its time like these that the essence of turning away from grief is simply mastering the art of distraction.  Finding a few things that put me in admiration mode….especially at first sight

if tomorrow never comes…

Will people know how much you care about them?
Will your pets know that they will be taken care of?
Do you fill content about the life you are living if somehow your time runs out tomorrow?

It only comes natural to me to think about life when there is death. I been through anticipated and unexpected passing, but both bring grief. Its a saying that people go through stages in life from being an infant, preschooler, grade school, adolescent, young adult, and to old old. But really what people forget to notice that its the 5 stages of grief that take a toll on your whole being.

Its hard to lose a friend, and even harder to lose someone you consider family. To add to the dulling pain of grief is accepting that death came to him unexpectedly. Where is the theory of free will vs. destiny? Do people choose to get sick? Do people chose to have their illness become terminal? Do people choose to put their families and loved ones through grief? I think that in my life, destiny takes the cake in pursuing the point… that not all the factors in life can be controlled. That science can only go so far, and then comes God. And there’s the unexplainable, which in this specific situation I chose to consider above all.

Mike was a great guy. I laughed and cried and annoyed with him. When he got sick, I looked at it through my rookie nurse eyes, that this condition can only get better. And it did. Then the ball just dropped. So I’m left with my only choice to make a difference. To be a wonderful nurse and to care for the ill as if he were them. To remember that he who has left the earth is not suffering, but suffering is left for those who he had left behind.

He left his family with the choice to pull the plug. His family who he had left in the caring hands of his friends.

But when he got what he was hanging on for, for her to come to him…. he left gracefully.

No plugs pulled, no machines shut off, no heart beat and no more tomorrows…

Just a man lead by his Lord and Savior

My soul finds rest in God alone: My salvation comes from Him.
– Psalms 62:1

We love you Mike. Thanks for the memories.


I like this month. Besides the fact that it is my birthday month, thank you very much… but the weather is a plus as well. I’m all about the light jacket and scarf theme. And the lighting outside is nice as well. Not so sunny, not too dark but nice enough to hide the flaws of the skin.

2009 was a good year. I was challenged and tested. I graduated, cried, got in shape (although I’m a bit off right now HA!), became an RN, and Christmas Institute was a success. Through all the stress and emotional chaos I had going on within myself, I ended the year in love with mar and my family. What else is there to rejoice about?

2010… not the best start. I’ll come back with the update.

“I believe in prayer.” We all should repeat that to ourselves and to one another.

Nillo turned 1 and Chewy is now 4. I love my dogs

the beautiful struggle

How can I struggle… but not have any children? I have no binding contracts. I have a car, time, a family, friends (although very few…very)..Mar. I have my health, my hair, a home and a diploma. I have the opportunity to make something of myself. But where is finished product? Is it in the RN license that I don’t have it? Is it in the job opportunities that are NOT available for me? Was I the right person to be elected worship coordinator for Norcal CI? I’m getting lazy and my body hurts and I argue with myself of what status of failure do I stand on. I contribute almost nothing to society other than kind words and safe driving. I feel sorry because I can’t help pay for my house or get gifts for my family on their birthdays. woe. woe woe. To feel the shame. Shame when depositing a check from my mom.

I want to be an RN. I want to work. I want to earn a living. I want to fast forward far enough.

These moments of weakness just smack me in the face and close the curtains. Then my dogs come in my room and lie down on my face with only a blanket to protect my eyes from their wet noses. Its endearing. Dogs know when your mood is damp and stank. So I know not to blame my youth. Know that things aren’t suppose to come easy, and that people choose you to lead something because they believe in you. My career will jump start at the right time as God makes it so… actually he makes everything so. soooo…. I am who I am. I succeed, I cry, I fail, I cry and I succeed again like the mouse running on her wheel. My family cares for me because although the new part of my life has yet to be on my sleeve, they have not abandoned me. I wake up to mars heavy arm on my ribs every morning. I should be proud. Proud that I’m in better physical shape than I’ve ever been. Proud that these current hurdles haven’t stomped on my face to make me want to quit. I know what I am missing, what I am guilty of. I’m guilty of my routine prayers at night, asking to get what I want. I need my faith to be stronger than my doubt. I’m guilty of my lack of confidence and never ending belief of impending doom.

I’ve eaten a lot of humble pie. Can someone throw me some optimism? Maybe I should ask Mar to shake me.

I have everything I need. And its up to me to get what I want. So let the earphone come on… open books… hair tied up. Deep breathing. Unclench my jaw. Embrace the strengths of being a woman.

“Make you see what`s real, and wipe off the residue I vow to flow fresh and forever stay true Doing what I got to do, doing what I want to do The opposite of a faker, it`s the forces of nature” -scarub

Ryan Walsh.The Struggle


I had lunch with Ven today. It has been a good while since the last time. I’m glad we plan to hang again. She’s good company and plus she’s a professional working lady who still looks and laughs the same as back then. Good times. Good times.

Having friends that I’m able to reconnect with are a blessing. Knowing how we as a group of friends grow into individuals, we…a vision of evidence, witness the coming of age and mysterious change in one another. “Congrats on your marriage… You’re baby looks just like you… Are you on salary?… When is your house warming?”


I had a good work out today after lunch. My butt hurts. Good sign, the lessening the jiggle -_-. My plan is to shred weight now. Means low and I mean LOW or no carb dinners. Its okay. I crave food grown from the earf. Until one day out of the weekend of course. Cheers!

To be a woman with curves.

It was a good day. I still wait on my board results… unwillingly. But here I am with my sweats and uncombed hair, embracing my future as she peaks her big leg out from the curtain. Good day and don’t forget to wash your hands.

I’ve grown fond of Katy Perry… more of her look than her music. heh. She got curves…

1 katie perrykaty_perry

relaying for life

So I went to the one in pacifica yesterday. I only stayed for about 2 hours painting faces for the “CSM Nurses To Be” and I think its something I want to be a part of annually. Last year my nursing program folks and I did the whole 12 hr shift deal and even though I was exhausted… I was proud. Proud of being part of a team of teams whose common goal is to solely contribute to the fight against cancer. Its most likely a sense of self fulfillment that feeds being proud, but I guess it all depends on where cancer stands in your life. Who is susceptible to developing cancer? Anyone. How does it develope. Anyway. Do we have a cure? Nope, but there is treatment and it seems promising.

My lola and auntie died from cancer in a time when cancer prevention, health promotion, and early treatment wasn’t as strong as today. I cried with a whole saddened heart during my aunts funeral. It was anticipated. She battled it for almost 11 years. One breast…baldness…hair again…strength…then the other breast and so on. So when I see survivors taking part in the parade at relay for life, I am touched and take part in their celebration because she is there through me. I think about her all the time. Her cute shoulder padded outfits, the house that keeps my childhood, and her bisteak. damn I loved her bisteak. She was an RN. And now a symbol of strength and comfort.

Knowing that who I’m about to become is part of a large team of women and men who are making a difference even if we aren’t as appreciated as doctors are. Filipino cliche? bologna. The path makes sense.

I am grateful.